the end.
i cant help but be numb, im surprised.
i also knew this was going to happen, when a love that has and was always destined to be wrong ends. you convince yourself that your love for each other has to be the one thing that can hep you survive the pain and the hurt until you have your one last hoorah and its clearly not.
Instead it ends up with a fury of words and a earth shattering slap, then the running out the door and the reality is that its over.
And all you can muster as your screaming and crying into the phone is “what the fuck”. I always knew i didnt hold myself well, in moments of crisis. But that instance took the cake.
Time, is all i have on my side, to get me through this. To help me feel the pain that i know is going to come and could destroy me for the next person that does come along.
It took a 39 year old with two kids to make me see that the man, that i was so helplessly in love with. Was also the sort of boy i would never speak to in the real world, funny how love can blind you deeply. After all the hurts, the screaming, the crying, the silence, the abuse, the sex and the love. Our love was one that was seriously almost out of the movies, and when i get through this it will be one of those loves that makes a good story. He on the other hand, is now just someone i used to know and that i am not so numb about. We find our feet, we strengthen our muscles we believe in our abilities and then we fly.
He flew and there was just nothing i could do about it. I was too little, too late.
But our love was a good one, just not the right kind.
exhaustion…
life is one big hurdle, one huge enormous mindfuck.
im 20 and i have first world problems, i know that if i cant afford to eat. Someone, or something will swoop into my rescue whether it be social security, my parents, my friends… something and i will survive. BUT the hurdles in life that keep our heads above water are what seem to tire me out. If we’re not worrying about eating unhealthy food and gaining cholesterol, we’re wondering about that guy down the road, that just can’t seem to notice us. We spend minutes, hours, days, months and if you’re that unsettled years contemplating these issues.
I went for my new daily routine of going for my hourly jog, and i got onto discussing life with one of my most dearest friends. Tough cookie, she is. lovely woman, she most definitely is. Hard working without a doubt, me on the otherhand i may be a tough cookie, i may be lovely but my ideas of hard work are not what they should be. It bothers me to think that a gpa of 6 seems unattainable, i need a solid figure to know what my prospects are going to be to get into law, and i know once im in. Ill be further bothered with my prospects of finding a job, keeping the job or moving up in the job and then i think maybe im not as ambitious as i should be, i want the success but not the hard yards it entails. Im 20 and im exhausted and life hasnt even begun, really. Are we all worried about being 50 and having a midlife crisis, when in reality we’re all stuck in the crisis, but it only hits home at the age of 50 because by then we all think that all the things we couldnt have, we do and then the regrets pile in on top. Plus the added stresses of a mortgage, a car and a family, i see why men turn to shonky hairstyles and drab cars.
The point is, when is enough enough, when do you put your dreams in the barrel and opt for things more closer to home/ grasp? when does that sign come closing down your door and even though it hurts to give up. So you shine that white flag up and opt for surrender, when do we concede defeat?
